Popular advice comes in the form of age old sayings and trendy social media catch phrases. Most of this advice is dished out by celebrities, influencers, or business people at public speaking events, or in quick reels on social media, and it’s trickled down to our daily lives. These celebs and influencers have jobs that may not involve weighted issues or duties, so an actress or makeup guru can say things like, ‘fake it til you make it’ and no one will die during surgery.
All together, this bad advice sounds like the check list of a con artist, grifter, cult leader, or snake oil salesman. Too many people affirm their toxic thinking and behavior with trendy little quips repackaged as ‘advice’. I’ve noticed the people who live up to trendy advice, or have given me trendy advice, turn out to be bad apples themselves or abusive. I have never taken popular advice to heart, but it has taught me what NOT to do in my art journey. Below is a list of terribly bad, popular advice that I didn’t take as an artist and what I learned.
*The right person CAN make the below list of ‘bad’ advice into actions that are commendable,
but it doesn’t work for me. I’ve seen bad advice in the wrong hands become harmful actions.
Read more for a new perspective. This post has been EDITED.
Have a Pleasant Day!
-Rae
Fake it ‘til you make it
I have seen this play out in real life and online, so it’s clearly a strategy that works. However, the gap between faking it and making it means lots of lies are told and many people are harmed. Equal doses of honesty and discretion about your organic stages of progress is probably the better option.
It’s not what you know, it’s who you know
Knowing facts and having skills will always be more valuable than elbow rubbing with people, in my opinion. Knowledge is power and skills cannot be taken away from you, but relationships with the wrong people can ruin situations or lives. So many of the ‘who you knows’ are actual frauds heading to prison. While the Elizabeth Holmes’ of the world are serving time, her former scientists with intelligence and skills are moving on and flourishing.
Just smile and nod
Just communicate effectively and express emotion authentically.
Get a mentor
I have always avoided seeking a mentor because there is historically so much abuse in that dynamic and I never wanted to be beholden to anyone. But, there are too many people that have tried to engage me as a mentor with insidious methods or a rude approach. They were looking to leech off of my connections and knowledge for themselves like an energy vampire.
A clear, honest conversation about your intentions to your intended mentor is best. Seeking mentorships from people advanced and comfortable in their careers who have the resources and time to spare is best. I do not recommend peer-to-peer mentorships because your peers may be fighting battles of survival that require all of their energy and attention and your neediness might be draining to them.
To gain a proper mentor, try entering learning environments where your supervisor can transition into a mentor…like internships, fellowships, summer programs, university courses, or apprenticeships. Unpaid shouldn’t be overlooked or looked down on! They are FREE learning environments where you can gain experience and exposure. Express a desire for the relationship with your boss in these learning environments to continue beyond the contract as a mentorship. But, DON’T instigate fake friendships with peers or unsuspecting people and use them dry.
Ask for help
In the twenty first century, there are so many resources to self-educate before bothering an unsuspecting person that has not advertised themselves as a resource. Online videos, books, technical manuals, ongoing education classes, and more are there to teach you skills. Try helping yourself first because this is where knowledge and wisdom is gained.
Get a great team/it’s all about the team/the team is a family
I now fully avoid people who speak of nothing but ‘the team’. These are usually co-dependent manipulators who are experts at exploiting the labor and ideas of others while maintaining their position ABOVE the team. It’s impressive to see people who can individually DO all that they claim to BE on their own BEFORE assembling a team to grow and expand.
Surround yourself with successful people
Sometimes ‘successful’ just means popular and popular is not important. But, stop and think…how do successful people feel about having YOU around. There are so many times I have attempted to meet new and experienced people, but I have been harshly rejected. Certain people only want to associate with those at their same level or higher and I simply wasn’t successful (or popular) enough to make their acquaintance.
Other times, strangers or acquaintances have attempted to use ME to level up their social or professional status without caring for or about me as a person. It felt disrespectful and I felt used. Worse still, I felt surrounded by immaturity and neediness. It’s a two way street. Everyone involved should be open and honest about their intentions for forming and maintaining new connections. In my opinion, ‘success’ means talented, intelligent, and financially stable.
It’s ok to fail
Not really. Failure has very real consequences, professionally, personally, and monetarily. How much does this failure cost to fix? What are the ramifications and who is impacted? What resources will it take to correct the mistake? How long will it take to complete the steps needed to fix the problem? Are you capable of solving the failure yourself or do others need to step in and help or do it for you? These are pretty big questions. There are situations where failure is built-in like practice, modules, sketches, drafts, or rehearsals. Create these situations for yourself so that when it’s time to shine, you are ready!
I don’t know what I’m doing!
Why is this so popular to say!? The WORST managers I’ve ever had were uber liberal artsy types who bragged multiple times that they had ‘no idea what they were doing’. It was clear they lacked skill and they used manipulation and bullying to compensate. I now RUN from people who say this awful, trendy line!
If it won’t matter in 5yrs, don’t spend 5 minutes thinking about it
What seems unimportant to you might be very important to the other people involved. Your sense of time is not the same as everyone else’s. I have been told this line so many times after someone else has failed me. It’s dismissive and unfair. It’s an excuse used by unintelligent people who have a habit of failure.
Gossip is good
Talking to a trusted friend about a real problem to seek a tangible solution, warning people of serious matters or life threatening situations, and venting about a frustration that is negatively impacting your life are all forms of necessary CONVERSATION. But, gossiping about other people’s business that has nothing to do with you is tacky and creates a toxic atmosphere. Especially, if the gossip is being had in the same space, or very near, the people you are talking about! Stop. Better advice: Don’t talk about people at work, with people at work, while you are at work!
Peaking in high school means failure in adulthood and being a nerd in high school means success as an adult
This one seems a bit random, but I feel that high school social status effecting ones adult self-esteem serves as the motivation for a lot of people’s behavior. It shouldn’t. No one is owed anything as an adult based on their perceived social status as a minor. You don’t get to punish people as adults because that person reminds you of a childhood pain. Being a ‘nerd’ in high school does NOT guarantee that you will be the boss which seems to be a false, but popular concept in media.
In the arts, so many people feel the need to prove they deserve certain success because they were ‘bullied’ nerds in school. Nerdy theater kids grow up believing they should have starring roles. There is a toxic need to gatekeep sci-fi media content for the ‘nerdy kids’. Pretty women are bullied out of academic or arts jobs because it’s a career path for ‘nerd's’. Get over it! Adulthood should not be motivated by childhood insecurities.
Just lie
I have been told that I am honest to a fault, that it’s a BAD thing, and that I should lie more. This always comes from people who lie. I’d rather stay honest, thanks!
Stop apologizing
Apologize when it’s appropriate and humble thyself. This trendy advice was born out of the trend of adding ‘apologies’ to normal conversation or when stating opinions… ‘sorry, but this diner has bad burgers!’ or ‘sorry, not sorry, but this cupcake was dry’. Apologizing for mistakes and failures shows you are mature and growth is on the horizon. I apologize in my professional life when it’s appropriate and I appreciate the same in return. I have published a few written apologies I’ve received over the years that greatly impacted my life for the better.
Girlboss!
Yikes. Some of these people are going to prison. It was always just an aesthetic trend and now we can move on to focus on the merit of our work.
Be bigger/louder/take up space
I’m a tiny woman who is 4ft 11in, around 100lbs, with a voice that flows between feathery and precise. I have been told my entire life that I’m not big enough, loud enough, or that I’m not taking up enough space. Why should I? What’s wrong with quiet confidence, demur speech, delicate mannerisms, and occupying my own corner of the world? My traits are combined with sincere behavior and conversation, so I don’t need to be center stage, #worldwide, or the loudest person in the room to be validated.
The subtext is expressed directly by (mostly white) people who relate these criticisms to my Blackness and how I’m doing Black wrong by being quiet, tiny, and delicate. I’m told that these traits in me are fake and that I have no self-esteem. There is a refusal from others to respect me when I’m in a demur state of being and so many negative people have tried to dictate that I step outside of myself and behave how THEY believe a Black person should behave to affirm their bias and serve their needs.
When I’m in a yellow dress with shimmery makeup and speaking in a soft voice, people degrade me by pinching my cheeks, patting me on the head, or harassing me on the street. However, when I’m wearing my BIG fro and baggy jeans, when I speak at my LOWEST octave and my LOUDEST volume, when I state my BOLD opinions…all of a sudden I’m a threat. I’m aggressive. I’m scary. (Mostly to white people) It’s unfair.
Like most women, my femininity has various settings and I don’t want to be TOLD on what setting I should be by others.
Be selfish
Selfishness is often combined with reckless, harmful, and self-destructive behavior. Trying being kind with firm boundaries.
People please/be a chameleon/copycat/match or mirror behavior
Isn’t this sociopathic? I don’t think humans are the most sophisticated beings. Afterall, we are just animals. Operating in tribes, packs, or groups is normal and in order to do so, a certain level of homogeny is required. However, consent and intent is the most important aspect. Do NOT pick a person in your life as a target to mimic and mirror, without their consent, in order to benefit yourself. Going to a church and singing the same hym, or joining a sports team and wearing the same uniform, is a healthy way of forming a tribe with shared values. Knowing yourself and your need for a group by seeking existing structures to satisfy those needs is the mature thing to do. Being a creepy chameleon who people pleases is only pleasing yourself.
Imposter syndrome is normal
If you follow bad advice, don’t be surprised if you have imposter syndrome. It’s guilt.
