My most treasured artwork is Spellbook. A recycled, leather bound and cloth page book printed with emails I have sent and received for over a decade while pursuing a career in museums. Text art, illustration, and painting complete this book art that holds a spell of ephemeral memories and emotions.

Wait, There’s More! I was sitting with friends years ago in the 2010s talking about these emails and my plans to turn them into art. My original thought was to use thin sheets of clay to imitate paper and imprint the emails onto the clay. Storage would be an issue for clay sculptures and it’s not my preferred medium, so I’d have to buy lots of supplies. I then talked about a quilt of emails and my friends started sharing ideas. One friend said…it’s like you’re putting spells on people. The email is the spell. Aha! A cloth page book emerged and Spellbook was born. Cheers to having honest, unafraid friends that can handle complicated, creative conversation.

A Decade of Rage and Worry

The emotions contained in the messages flow from worry to rage as I complained, aka, self-advocated for higher wages, questioned diversity in the arts, or I called out subpar HR practices. The reactions I would get to my communications from museum insiders ranged from negligent to professional to deranged as progress was slow to change. In so many instances, no matter how politely I worded my thoughts, desires, or opinions, I was made to feel like the monster raging in front of a glowing screen. Over time, I stopped caring how I came across to other people and started to say all the things you’d put in a draft, but never send.

Over time, it became an exploration in cussing people out after they have harmed me personally. Imagine freely saying the n-word with no conscience or consequence like the Karens that plague our social media feeds against our will. I wanted to be that free and foul. It became addicting.

Hard Feelings

The emails in Spellbook don’t show the entire context of each saga, where real life interactions, phone calls, or non-verbal communication rounded out the tale. But, it is a snapshot of time, emotion, and hunger for a brighter future. In 2019, I began gathering together these memories for a project and formed them into art. No, its not a real spellbook. There is no such thing. It’s a metaphor for spells wherein you are relating to someone else from a distance. Museums are now publicly facing accountability for many of the issues I confronted on my own a decade ago. I am no longer pursuing full-time employ in the arts, but I am now an artist in my own right. The Spellbook art project helped me to expel, from my mind, hard feelings from difficult scenarios, so that I never forget, but I no longer have to stew in them.

The Angry Black Woman

The stereotypes of the angry Black woman, the strong Black woman, the crazy Black woman were in the forefront of my mind while compiling Spellbook emails and creating the imagery. So often, I have been personally penalized for showing justifiable emotion while others go without consequence for the provocation. I have been mocked to my face for these reasons even when behaving in a calm, cool, and collected manner. It didn’t matter who or what I actually was, the merit of what I was saying, or the human emotions I was displaying. To experience this in and from arts institutions was jarring. While others climbed the ladder with crying and baby talk, my assertive speech and decisive mind was deemed too frightening. But, at this point in my life, I am fully unafraid of living up to, or defying, stereotypes in any given moment in another person’s mind.

Expletive Laden Screed

In 2018, I protested a contemporary 30ft mural of an imaginary KKK meeting acquired by the Blanton Museum of Art. The museum and artist held hands around this bloated art world stunt for money and publicity. My protest included a 30pg essay critiquing the mural on my former academia.edu account, which the curator of the exhibition, Veronica Roberts, read, bookmarked, and downloaded according to my analytics though the museum denied a protest happened. My protest also included a new exhibition and education plan (which the museum followed), an email maelstrom mimicking letters of complaint to the museum and press, a petition with hundreds of signatures, and a live demonstration in front of the mural. ArtNet News reporter, Tim Schnieder, called my email ‘expletive laden screed’ as the publication dismissed my perspective and lauded praise on the artist’s gimmick. I went to twitter and did a word search on Tim’s profile for every cuss word I could think of…his feed lit up like a Christmas tree. My Spellbook questions who gets to be outrageous in the arts? Who gets to be wild with words? Who gets to be provocative with paint? Who benefits from Black pain? Who gets to be seen and heard? With Spellbook, I do!

Emotional Distress

I know I want the series to continue on paper, instead of cloth pages, for reasons of economics and efficiency. But, after a certain point, I had to ask myself when does Spellbook end? Am I typing passionate thoughts for the purpose of feeding the beast? No, not necessarily. So many celebrities and comedians are caught saying or writing horrid things to shock large audiences for attention or to be intentionally antagonistic for clout. Do they mean what they say? Is it even real? Who knows. But, what is real is their desire to boost their ego to feel edgy and cool and other people’s feelings are the currency exchanged. What I’m experiencing are real abusive obstacles and the resulting financial suffocation. These messages are a reaction to racism, sexism, scams, and other harms as I pursued a career in the arts, or as I engaged with the world. Being hazed out of a job or sexually harassed by a coworker or bombarded with racist imagery or scammed during a gig triggered acute emotional distress, mental breakdowns, and reactive abuse. Why are crass words cash for clout in the mouths of others, but villainized when coming from a place of hurt? Spellbook helps me work through these tough questions and I have enough material for a lifetime.    

Have a Pleasant Day!
-Rae